All The Times Jay Z Tried To Sell “Cool”

The Internet has spoken, and there are some decidedly strong opinions on Jay Z’s streaming service, Tidal. Behind the smoke and mirrors sits Hova making a shrewd business move and attempting to sell you another product.

That’s not a bad thing as long as you know the game. That game is someone’s 45-year-old dad treating you like a focus group, which again isn’t inherently bad.

Think about all the times Jay Z tried to sell “cool” and see if you knew the game or were just being hustled.

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photo: WENN

Armand de Brignac

The average American citizen spends $439 on alcohol annually. A bottle of Ace of Spades costs about three bills by itself, so Hov is pretty much betting you’ll want to be cool so bad you’ll blow your annual drink budget on one single bottle.

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Barneys

Jay has been making high-end moves, but you can’t defend him being faux-political before and after Barney’s profiled Black customers.

Budweiser

Budweiser is the blue-collar beer PBR once was before hipsters ruined it. Making “Show Me What You Got” into one long Bud commercial and making them the sponsor of Made In America doesn’t really change that.

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Button Ups

The button down oxford has been a staple of the business casual wardrobe for decades. Somehow, making the colors louder and accessorizing it with a pair of Air Force Ones signified “getting your grown man on?”

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The Samsung Galaxy

Android heads were down with the Galaxy because of its design and because Galaxy’s are less restrictive than iPhones. Jay Z was trying to move an album, get a plaque, and fatten his bank account. Somehow these two worlds converged with Magna Carta Holy Grail and Samsung’s gigantic global advertising budget.

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The Brooklyn Nets

The Nets have been relevant less than five times during their entire history since being annexed from the ABA into the NBA. Are the Drazen Petrovic/Kenny Anderson/Derrick Coleman years, the Jason Kidd phase, and the last two years in Brooklyn a good excuse to gentrify all those folks? Apparently, yes.

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Chevy

Other than riding in the back of a blacked out Tahoe with security in tow, this has never remotely been anything but a cash grab. No one’s knocking Jay Z’s hustle, but let’s call it what it is.

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Bing

Whether you called it Live Search, MSN Search, or technically Yahoo, the deal remained the same. Microsoft wanted more market share, and Jay wanted a check. Win-win.

D’USSE Cognac

A certain sect is going to drink Cognac anyway—whether it’s Henny, Remy, Courvoisier, or the low-price stuff when times get hard. The prevailing wisdom here seemed to be that if Jay could get you to buy clothes, albums, and other people’s liquor, he could get you to buy D’USSE.

Rhapsody Music Service

Oh yeah, there was that other streaming service Jay was once down with.

Kingdom Come

Jay Z’s comeback album was pretty much a dissertation in how to try and reach the prized 18-24 year old demographic. After signing Ross, Jeezy, Rihanna, and J. Cole, he already knew how to reach that demo without rapping. But the heart wants what it wants.

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Life+Times

This is Jay Z literally trying to sell cool on some Gwyneth Paltrow/GOOP ish. And it worked really well despite Funkmaster Flex’s bomb-filled rants.

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Auto-tune Shade

Perhaps “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-tune)” should’ve been called “I personally don’t care for this technology.” It’s hard to pronounce something dead when it’s still thriving seven years later.

Tidal

Jay Z is very adamant about setting his own price point for his music. He proved this by stabbing Lance Rivera, initially refusing to put American Gangster on iTunes, and getting paid $20 million from Samsung to release MCHG for “free.” There’s no shame in that. But let’s stop saying this is some kind of revolution.