Get Off The Boo Boo, Too: 5 More Things Rapper Make Look Cool (That Really Are Not)

Rappers may make things like selling drugs, pimping and going to jail seem cool in their rhymes but don’t get it twisted, many of the activities rappers glorify on wax should not be tried at home. In our second installment of the feature dedicated to Pimp C’s plea with rappers to keep it funky with themselves, here are five more things that rappers brag about that, if tried in the real world, will leave you with an eye jammie, looking stupid, returned to the essence or begging God for forgiveness.

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Photo: Wiz Khalifa

Running With Gangs

What happens in rap…

You yell out imaginary sets, throw up gang signs, rock bandanas and maybe even toss in a crip walk or two, but you never have to put that work in. Nope, you just run with a bunch of like colored wearing cats with disgruntled looking dispositions and excessive tattoos, and therefore you are untouchable. Did we mention throwing up gang signs. Yes, that’s the quintessential part of being a rapping gang member.

Example: Game feat. Lil Wayne – “Red Nation”

What happens in real life…

You get your head bust to the white meat and beaten to within a half an inch of your life. Oh, and that’s just to let the gang know you want in. You might even have to kill an old lady or run a group of nuns off the road to show that you are down for the cause. Then after finally achieving the status of being fully accepted by the warm and loving family environment of the street gang, you get at shot at and robbed on daily for being in the street gang. You get harassed and constantly watched by the police who know you are in a gang because you brazenly walk around all day wearing all [your gang’s color here] everything. You are constantly looking over your shoulder and going through situations that might leave you pushing up daisies. If you are lucky, you get caught in a gang sweep, locked up under RICO laws and do a life sentence. If not, you take a bullet for ‘your set’ one day and end up a vegetable. But, hey, you might get to yell out “Suwuuu” like Lil Wayne.

Excessive Ink

What happens in rap…

You ink your whole body because you don’t give a MF. You add a naked lady here, a former slave owner there, a gun, some Chinese letters that really don’t mean what you thought they meant. Maybe even add your record label logo on your ball sac [||], or crosshairs on your forehead. The more ink the better. So what you have so much indecipherable clutter that people can barely read it. It’s there aint it! Oh yeah, you have to throw in some tattoo tears. To show that, you know, you have tears tattooed on your face.

Example: Wiz Khalifa – “Ink My Whole Body”

What happens in real life…

You end up working at McDonalds, or Wal-Mart, or construction or cooking omelets at Golden Coral. In the back. Anywhere where respectable people don’t have to see the huge panther tattoo you got on your neck when you were 15 or all six of your kids’ names on your forearm. Unless you start your own company, no one in the business world will hire you because you look like a walking bathroom stall from a subway in Harlem. At least you’ve taken the first step to starting your rap career.

Sagging At Ignorant Levels

What happens in rap…

You let your pants hang as low and physically possible exposing your rear end for all to see because…because…well that’s the in thing to do now and days. You have on a belt that cost $2,000, but why use it to hold up your pants? That wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever. Most of your jeans are so tight they don’t require a belt anyway, but you strategically slide them down to the spot on your legs where azz cheek meets thigh, regardless.

Examples: Plies – “Pants Hang Low”

What happens in real life…

You walk like a duck or totally lose the use of one hand during daily activities because it is spent with a strangle hold on your belt buckle so your pants won’t fall to the ground. Besides looking like a total azz (pun intended) exposing your sh#t tinged draws, depending where you are, you can be ticketed and fined. Then, when you go to run from the po-po for trying to blast you with such a bogus charge, you fall because your sagging pants are impeding your stride.

Shooting At People

What happens in rap…

Besides spitting rhymes, slangin’ that iron is what you do. You might shoot up the park. Shoot up the party. Shoot up the club. Shoot up the Chuck E. Cheese. Anywhere where you feel disrespected is likely to end up looking like a scene from The Matrix. Oh, your knuckle game is on Mayweather, but no time for that. Plus your sneaks would get dirty. Doing time for your crimes? Nah, you have a top-notch lawyer for that.

Example: Big Noyd – “Bang Bang”

What happens in real life…

Typically, what happens when you shoot at people is they get shot, then you get caught and go to jail. Or you miss and hit an innocent bystander, then you get caught and go to jail. Or you don’t hit anything, but somebody tells the police that you were shooting at people, then you get caught and go to jail. See the trend going on here? On the off chance that you pop off and totally shake the fuzz, chances are, the person or people that you shot at will want their sweet revenge. This leads us to our next topic…

Getting Shot

What happens in rap…

You get shot at all the time, so actually getting hit is no problemo. You might go to the hospital or you might even shake it off, like real Gs do. No sweat (brushes dust off shoulder). And yes, there will be retribution! Even if you have to take time off tour and go your famous azz back to the hood and find the guy who did it yourself and handle B.I. Heads will roll.

Example: 50 Cent – “Many Men”

What happens in real life…

If you are lucky enough not to get hit somewhere that causes instant death, you scream like a 10-year-old girl at a Mindless Behavior concert, because getting shot burns like hell. That G talk comes up out you real quick, replaced by “please get me to the hospital so I don’t die!” talk. If you happen to make it to a hospital before bleeding out, you still might have to wait for some time wallowing in pain following your arrival ala Cain from Menace II Society. If you are lucky enough to live through the entire ordeal – which could include surgery, endless complications and months of recovery – you have a massive hospital bill waiting for you when you get home. Trust us, just shoot the five, fam.