Get Off The Boo Boo: 7 Things Rappers Make Look Cool (That Really Are Not)

A lot of stuff rappers say they do may sound cool on wax, but in reality it can carry serious consequences. Thuggin’, making fast money, having multiple s*xual partners and telling the po-po they can put their lips on your crotch may sound like the in thing to do, but pulling it off in real life can be a whole other story.

But if you let some rappers tell it, it is an everyday occurrence for them. Don’t be fooled. Here are seven things rappers brag about doing that will more than likely leave your regular azz, stomped out, arrested, unemployed or with herpes simplex 2.

Click on the #’s below to see who you don’t want to model your life after.

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Photo: Raekown

Selling Drugs

What happens in rap… 

You are the plug’s plug, flipping birds, moving chickens and making it shake. But, of course, you are so damn Dos Equis-man slick you manage to avoid the beat cops, local authorities, the IRS and the FBI; even though you have no job and ball harder than a ball player. You spend beaucoup money. You take lavish trips. You f#ck bad bishes who love you simply because you are stupid paid off selling controlled substances. You rule with an iron fist. Everybody wants to be you, but the haters can’t see you; Ray Charles. It’s the life.

Examples: Future – “Tony Montana,” Rick Ross – “Rich Off Cocaine,” Actually, any song by Rick Ross

What happens in real life…

You live life in fear of the police, Feds, rival drug dealers, snitches and anyone with a grudge against you. Then, more than likely, uh, you get caught and go to jail! No passing go. No collecting $200. You end up behind bars where your only luxury is eating suped-up Ramen noodles and playing Chess for pushups. You are told when to wake up, go to sleep and take a sh#t. Then you end up with another man raising your kids and porking your ol’ lady in the free world. Your sole consolation is using your Jergan’s laced palm to satisfy your earthly needs at night. Sounds fun, right? Stick to your day job.

Slapping Women What happens in rap… You slap the God given taste out of any woman’s mouth who dares to defy your authority. F#ck talking! Oops up side your head. Maybe even toss in a closed-fisted punch if she made you mad enough. Because, damn it, you’re a rapper. Examples: Project Pat – “Gorilla Pimp”, Tyler, The Creator “B*th Suck package” What happens in real life…The big brother hears about said slap, and comes along and puts the bully foot to that azz. Or you run across a woman who is really ‘bout that life and pulls a kitchen knife, box cutter or .22 out of her purse and makes you wish you had slapped your own mother instead. At the least, you get Chris Brown’d, but you are not rich or famous, so it would totally suck, like, 10 times worse. Either way, it’s a safe bet to keep your hands to yourself.    

Going To Prison What happens in rap… You go in and run the cellblock. Then you shank a couple of cats in the yard to earn a rep. Chicks are sending you nudie flicks on the daily. You got inmates washing your draws and CO’s on your pay roll. Your commissary is so full, you don’t know what to do with all the cash your down azz homies on the outside are funneling into your account. Besides being stuck in one place, it aint all that bad. You do your time and come out an OG. Examples: Snoop Dogg – “Murder Was The Case” What happens in real life… You spend every breathing second looking over your shoulder. You get your food ate by a young boy looking to get a rep (and we ain’t talking lunchtime).You are forced to align with a gang to maintain your dignity. You scrap once a week to keep your manhood. You get disrespected by, and possibly catch unwarranted fades from, dirty CO’s. You try to get in contact with family members you haven’t talked to in years just to see if they will put some money on your books because all of your down azz homies forgot about you. Your palm becomes your only friend. Do you wanna go night, night!?

Doing Copious Amounts Of Drugs

What happens in rap…

You smoke, drink, pour up, and maybe even toot a line or two. Pass out, then do it again. Oh yeah, you make some rap songs somewhere in between there that you don’t remember making. But mostly, you do a lot of smoking and drinking just to pass the time. And, well, because you can. But only the best stuff. Premo. Crack is wack.

Examples: Wiz Khalifa “So High,” Any song by Juicy J. Curren$y, too.

What happens in real life…

You are what people in the real world call…a f#cking DRUG ADDICT. If you even have a means of employment, you are constantly late for work and unproductive when you show up. You start borrowing money to support your habit, or even worse, you start selling “things” to get your next taste. You lose your job, family and friends. Basically, nobody who has any priorities about their life wants to hang out with you because all you want to do is get high and watch the Food Network.

Having Sex With Tons of Women

What happens in rap… Groupies, models and R&B chicks, you knock them all down with the vigor of a young Ron Jeremy. And that’s just in one night. Condoms? Eh, I guess. So what if you don’t even know the woman’s first name. If that backyard’s bangin’ like a Benz-y, drop her draws and get it popping. (Denzel Washington voice) Wilt Chamberlin, aint got sh#t on you!!! If one turns up preggers, she better save that sh#t for Maury.

Examples: Any song by 2 Live Crew or Plies

What happens in real life… You have a lot of kids and contract a lot of sexually transmitted diseases. Your checks are docked for child support and what little you have left goes to going half on abortions and penicillin. But, hey, you have bragging rights…right?

Resisting Authority What happens in rap… You scream, “Fawk Tha Police!,” and go against any moral authority trying to stop you from doing you. You can cuss, do drugs, play loud music, run stop signs and disturb the peace all you want to. You’re a rapper, so you pretty much are the ruler of all that you survey and no jelly stuffed, cruller eating pork rind is going to tell you what to do. If one runs up on you the wrong way, he might even get smoked. Examples: N.W.A. – “Fawk Tha Police” What happens in real life… Does the name Rodney King ring a bell? Okay, for the younger crowd, does the phrase, “don’t taze me bro,” hit home? Typically, when you defy the powers that be to the point that most rappers claim they do, you end up with a condition commonly known as nightstick neck and wishing we could all get along. Police don’t like being styled on. All that tough talk will leave you pepper sprayed and tossed in the back of a paddy wagon. Just ask Jim Jones and Game.

Pimping Women What happens in rap… You got ‘em on the stroll, on the Internet, in the penthouse, by the outhouse and even at Run’s House. These broads are bringing you dough by the wads and you are caked up. All you have to do is collect, and look smooth doing it too. Easiest bread you ever made. Examples: 50 Cent “P.I.M.P,” 8Ball & MJG – “Pimp Hard” What happens in real life…You ruin some young girl’s life by convincing her that she should sell p#ssy as opposed to making something out of herself like going to Everest College. One of your girls is stabbed up by a psychotic perv. Another contracts HIV. You get kicked out of your crappy motel room. Then the remainder of your girls leave you because they realize working for a pimp is totally 1970s and they can solicit their own work on craigslist. You end up f#cking up some already unstable young woman’s head, possibly for life, for your own selfish gain. We’re sure your mother will be proud.