The Pelican Brief: A Bird’s Guide To “Making It” In America [PHOTOS]

When you’re a woman trying to make it in the entertainment industry, there are several different tactics that can be used to ensure (at the very least) short-term success. With so many different women all clamoring to be noticed, coming up with a detailed plan to turn yourself into a certified Twitter and/or reality TV star is easier than you think.

Given the success of the utterly amazing Miss Joseline Hernandez, and others in her lane, as it turns out the recipe to gain notoriety has been put together through trial an error. While there are some who, despite being on reality TV, will not be able to translate the gig into any kind of real success, others seems to hone in on how to make it big in the game.

Since we here at Hip-Hop Wired are well-rounded in our consumption of foolery (for journalistic purposes only, of course), we’ve put together a list deconstructing  how a bird can hit it big in America without possessing any real talent. While this is not condoning, or hating on, these choices, we’re merely putting it out there for the public to draw their own conclusions.

Peep it.

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Appearing on a reality show (preferably on VH1), and being willing to fight on camera.

This is a major step in making it in America…so long as you’re definition of “making it” is having lots of Twitter followers and looking crazy for the whole word to see. Over the years VH1 has emerged as the undisputed one-stop-shop for Black and Latino foolery and exploitation, and for women with low self-esteem this can be a surefire way to get the attention they crave.

However, getting the public on your side isn’t super simple. You must be equal parts entertaining, crazy, disrespectful and friendly at times. You must also not be against throwing off your shoes, jumping on tables, and fighting a sworn enemy—preferably over something posted on Twitter, or a man who you both slept with.

Writing a struggle book about your life

Any bird looking to cash in on her struggle must write a book, under the pretense of wanting to save her fans from going down the same road. Of course the book must have the opposite effect in that it will show those who foolishly look up to said “celebrity” how to become a star in their own right.

Detailing some form of hardship or airing out the dirty laundry of a rapper, athlete, politician or anyone else that can come up in a Google image search will make for extra points, and possibly help land a spot on the New York Times Best-Sellers List.

Everybody wins.

Dating a rapper or an athlete

This is a very important step in raising one’s stature. Being paired up with a rapper, preferably one who has a short temper, or more than 500,000 followers on Twitter, will land you on all the blogs that your heart desires.

If you want to raise the stakes, dating an athlete provides for cross-promotional stardom as many in the sports world secretly want to be rappers anyway. Merging the two worlds together by being known in both the Hip-Hop and sports realm is an essential factor for a bird trying to be taken seriously.

Attacking blogs for “making up stories” that you, or your struggle publicist, actually leaked to the media

Having a love/hate relationship with the media will show that while you need us to survive, you can’t stand all the lies we make up about you. Hiring a struggle publicist—one who is willing to do any and everything to get you shine, including mass tweeting websites—will complete the cipher. The publicist must be willing plant false stories in the minds of struggle bloggers itching for an exclusive. Once the fake story hits the atmosphere, denying its validity (via Twitter, of course) and pretending to hate how the media twists the truth will turn more than a few heads.

Leaking nude photos or a sex tape

Although this ploy has been used for several years, it still holds up steady on the list. Before her s-x tape, Kim Kardashian was a struggling, albeit very beautiful, model first seeking acceptance in the urban world before she realized that there was money to be made elsewhere. Leaking a sex tape or nude photos, then pretending to be extremely hurt and embarrassed by the release will help the public see all facets of your personality—and your body. The move will make editors  interested in booking you for photo shoots,  and give other women a standard to physically aspire to emulate.

Working your way through the debacle is the true test of strength. In order to carry out the plan, you must admit to being flawed, assure that the pictures were taken, or the video was made, while in a committed relationship. This will humanize, and turn you into a victim at the same time. It will also open the door for celebrity endorsements, as it will strengthen your fan base, if done so correctly.